The beginning of my confinement was peaceful. I was already a bit isolated in my new hometown in France, as is a small, quiet place. The only change was that my kids school closed. Ok, I said to myself, this is a scary situation and the kids need to be here with hubby and I.
I am a big reader so whenever I have five minutes to read I take them and delight myself immersing into other people’s lives. It keeps me sane and I can stay at home reading books for quite a while, besides, reading has the advantage to take your fears away while the book is open and you are enjoying your reading.
But I only had a couple of books left so when they were over I downloaded some, but it was not the same. I didn’t want to buy anything online, to not put deliver workers in more harm because I wanted to amuse myself. I got disconnected from my only activity. And then the days started passing and the kids started asking why they couldn’t go out to play. And the routines and home schooling started. And the messy house and constant cooking and cleaning overwhelmed me.
And I got worried, and I am still worried for those who are suffering. People who is sick, people whose family and friends are sick, or at high risk of getting this virus. People who desperately need to go outside and work because otherwise their kids will be hungry. The refugees, who cannot even have access to clean water, let alone food or proper shelter. My own family, my own friends.
I reviewed the news every day. Things were getting worse. People where dying everywhere. I was scared. I kept my phone with me around the house to check on my social media, and the news, and to forget I was in my house and my kids where playing and jumping all over me. It took me weeks to realise. That this situation has a motive. It has to have a motive. For me, for my family, for my friends, for everyone. But especially for this planet.
It came easy without much of a thinking that I was taking the situation wrong. That my job was not to get negative with the news and overwhelmed with my own situation. But that this specific and special situation came to my life, to our lives, because of a reason. The first thing to notice was the relationship with my kids, with my family. I was always in a constant struggle to balance my outside life with my life at home. And now everything became life at home. And I thought that without this balance I was lost. And I was. But one night I started thinking, what if this is the opportunity, the only opportunity that I will have to be full time with my kids before I go back to work, before they go back to school? What if I practice a bit of cooking not seeing this as an oppressing activity but as a something fun? What if I don’t need to go out to find some balance and choose other activities besides reading?
And I put myself to work. Routines started and in the mornings we set up the home-schooling. My kids surprised me. I was there, present, with them and they were responding greatly. They started reading, writing in cursive, drawing and colouring wonderful things. And I loved to teach them new things. I also realised that despite being in a French school they were open to do a parallel school in English and Spanish. I underestimated how smart they are. And besides, my cooking improved, and I finally succeeded with my first chocolate cake. And my kids where now in heaven.
When I changed my attitude not only my relationship with my family changed. But something within me. I started to be more productive than ever before. I started to learn a new language. Five minutes every day. I started to be creative. To colour, to imagine, to write. I never thought I could be a creative person. I chose a career in law and human rights, that was the only thing I thought I could learn, but now I’m thinking that I was mistaken. I can be a creative person, I can pass on paper things that are in my mind. Not for others, as I thought things should be, but for me. Thinking that I am creative because of me and only for me took out the stress and fear of failing. I finally understood that it is not important. What is important is to continue and never give up on whatever you want to do.
And you know what else I did? Probably the most important thing. I finally started meditating. I always wanted to do it but always sabotaged myself (I tend to do that) thinking I didn’t have enough concentration. Turns out I didn’t need concentration but only intention. And it came to me in the moments of silence. And when I started meditating and instructing myself a little bit more I started understanding some messages. The first message is that this planet is renovating itself. Our planet is not going to die, ever. We are not going to kill it. But if we keep treating it like a bin of rubbish She will kill us. Mostly sure we will have a second and third and fourth opportunity to make changes in our relationship with the planet. Let’s use them wisely.
The second message is that we need to come out of the circle of fear. Fear only suppresses our immune systems and make us more vulnerable. We need to vibrate in higher frequencies. We need to visualize the end of this nightmare and the beginning of our new lives, more connected to ourselves and to the Planet. The Planet is sending us a message. She is stronger, She is not going to take our selfish behaviour for much longer. Let’s send Her a message too. We understand. We say thank you. We are going to change.